I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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