Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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