o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
