I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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