if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize