Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
