remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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