she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
