my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
