my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
