if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
