i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
