this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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