I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
