I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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