The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize