So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
