Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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