'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You are the jesus of drinking
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
