So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I love you.
Bad choice
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
