On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently the secret to your success is patron
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
