how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
