i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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