Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
