can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
where are my pants?
in the oven.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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