Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
