Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
