Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
