The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
