and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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