i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
