Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
