Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
be right there i have to get my cape
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
