I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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