If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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