Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
