am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I wish I only lived at night.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
