My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
