just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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