i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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