Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
