half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
