someone threw a dead crab at me
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
