So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
