and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
