my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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