I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
