My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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