Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
