She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
