she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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