Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Your cock deserves a montage
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
