You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
