Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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