After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
