I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize