just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
as a side note pls kill me
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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