My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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