If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Randomize
