Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize